Mental Awareness (TW)
One part of this really struck me:
And yet, for all the time I’ve spent trying to own it, I still catch myself trying to disown it, too. I only ever do this with one person–myself. But man, do I try. When I feel better, I like to pretend that depressed person never existed. Ding dong, the witch is dead. I think I’ve eulogized her at least a dozen times. When I start to feel worse, I immediately go for the quick fix. Do I need more sleep? Do I need more exercise? Should I drink less coffee? More coffee? Do I need to start yoga again? Should I eat more kale? Should I eat more cake? All perfectly valid questions, but a defensive smoke screen I put up nevertheless in order to not ask the question I really need to be asking myself: am I depressed (again)?
I feel the same way when my anxiety flares; I blame myself cause hey, didn't I beat this already? I'm in therapy (goddess bless my therapist) so that means I'm cured, right? It is still so internalized within me that I struggle when the attacks happen. I struggle with blaming myself, which only perpetuates the cycle. I struggle with being myself and "getting over it" as quickly as I can, so I can go back to being "normal." It's a vicious fucking cycle and illness.
I take small amounts of solace that the attacks are few and far between now, after four years of therapy. That my illness is manageable without medication. But I know I'm among the lucky and privileged and would not wish this illness on my worst enemy. I wish pain free days for all those who are struggling.