Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The journey

I can be an impatient person. Particularly when hungry or sleep deprived. If you've ever had the joy of seeing me as either, I offer an apology and flowers. Or vodka.

I like being able to get things done the moment I think of them. When we first moved into our house, I nearly went out of my mind because I wanted to do all the things all at once. Now I know that letting things simmer is better; I found new uses for old items, radically shifted ideas and even got rid of stuff before I started to decorate areas in the house.

It's hard when it becomes more personal. My biological "clock" went off at 20. I have always loved kids, even when holding one 4 month old and he threw up on me. Eh, clothes/bodies wash. And as soon as we got married, we got the questions. And now that we are approaching our five year wedding anniversary, the questions have intensified. I don't mind them anymore, people like big events/new tiny things to hold/etc. (Disclaimer, I do mind when my FIL asks when I'm presenting him with a grandson. Like my uterus can be programmed to spit out the correct gender in his arms. But that's a whole other story.)

And yet.

We were planning on trying this year. But the money gods are not playing nicely. To be honest, I'm still paying off debt, we have projects lined up for the house and I want a healthy savings account before I embark on maternity leave (which since it is unpaid WHOLE OTHER ISSUE HOW THE FUCK IS THE US ONE OF THE ONLY COUNTRIES THAT DOES NOT HAVE PAID LEAVE).

Ahem.

I'm sad that we may not be able to try this year. I'm sad that my plans aren't lining up like I want them to. I'm sad that a recession greatly fucked us for awhile. I'm sad when I see a baby announcement and I know we aren't there yet. And on the flip side, I'm relieved. Relieved that I get to go home and nap for two hours if I so choose. Have a box of mini brownies for dinner while Netflixing. Relieved that I'm not terrified for a while. I'm excited to be a mother, but absolutely ready to crap my pants terrified too. What if I damage the kid? What if I realize I don't want to be a mother and can't return the thing? What if my marriage can't survive it?

And then Lara Casey tapped into my brain:

How many of you have ideas about your goals as we’ve gone through this series and you are already overwhelmed or anxious about HOW to make them happen? You want all of your goals to have been tackled yesterday. This series is an exercise in patience and doing things little by little to produce lasting results. If you are feeling overwhelmed, we’re about to dive into some clear waters as we set goals that have meaning. Because, you know what? The journey to making those things happen is where the good stuff lives.

I keep repeating that. The destination is nice, but the quality of the journey matters too. I was in therapy for nearly four years. It sucked so much, the slogging through all of the crap that needed to be dealt with. But now, having finished that journey, I maintain that is the best present I've ever bought myself, bar none. I healed, my relationships got 10000% better and I'm not crippled by anxiety attacks as I once was.

This is about progress, not perfection. I know you overachievers want to have done everything yesterday, but I have also been reading every single comment on this series. Taking this step by step is helping many of you make remarkable discoveries! I’m so pumped by all the lightbulbs I see going off! Little by little, babies grow. Can you imagine if we got pregnant and the next day have birth to toddlers?? We wouldn’t be ready and we would have missed so much sweetness. It is the same with our goals. They matter enough to make them happen well.

It's hard to accept the waiting, the journey. But it's worth it.

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